I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
People in love make me want to vomit
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
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