As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Loading more great texts...