Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?