I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
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just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
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