You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
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why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
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