we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.