I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I deserve this hangover.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?