The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I deserve this hangover.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman