Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.