no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
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