I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.