My dad is sitting where you rode me
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.