Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night