Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (832)

Last Night in Houston, Texas (832)

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand

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(832): I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand http://tfl.nu/owk1

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.

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(832): He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things. http://tfl.nu/i4w8

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.

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(832): I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too. http://tfl.nu/amfi

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.

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(832): Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy. http://tfl.nu/f1si

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.

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(832): He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life. http://tfl.nu/3z94

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!

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(832): DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!! http://tfl.nu/pv1p

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.

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(832): The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats. http://tfl.nu/ohp9

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!

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(832): I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM! http://tfl.nu/isug

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.

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(832): Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober. http://tfl.nu/wntc

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.

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(832): I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass. http://tfl.nu/h3v0

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Damnit.

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(832): If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning (1-832): Damnit. http://tfl.nu/shac

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.

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(832): I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway. http://tfl.nu/6mtf

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.

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(832): You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised. http://tfl.nu/pjx8

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?

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(832): So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid? http://tfl.nu/r78n

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My vag hurts but I feel vindicated

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

That is an interesting emotion combo

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(609): My vag hurts but I feel vindicated (832): That is an interesting emotion combo http://tfl.nu/j6ty

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Last Night in Houston, Texas (832)

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