I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.