How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?