I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin