I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk