All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
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It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.