I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this