Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.