The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.