a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
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Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
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