did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Loading more great texts...