He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.