How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
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My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!