just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
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Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
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