Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success