My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!