What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.