The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.