Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win