So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.