im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.