I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Loading more great texts...