Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?