All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Yup. One sock.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..