Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I want to fling myself into the sun
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.