I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs