Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.