I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
God has nothing to do with this.