I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.