Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me