I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.