So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.