Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
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The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
I was spiderman.