Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.