Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
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i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
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