What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
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