then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
im holly from the hills drunk
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
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