Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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You've changed since you got that strap on
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.