My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.