Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.