these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.