What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..