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The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
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