OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"