Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Never joke about your clitoris.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun