Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.