So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Damn victory sex feels great
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids