We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.