What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.