Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.