Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad