I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Text me some of your sweat
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar