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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
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