Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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