I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes