I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
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I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
you will always have a special place in my vag
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
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