I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes