Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.