Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting