I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
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I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE