its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
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