Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.