Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.