I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...