i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
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