You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha