the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Send us your Text From Last Night!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
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