I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.