Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.