I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?