Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"