If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.