I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?