I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.