I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.