Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?