Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.