Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life