THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom