You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha