He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.