I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.