Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob