How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?