Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My feet surprised me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.