Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.