New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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