She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it's like iHOP with fire
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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