I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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