well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wear drunk well.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
theres a video...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.